Lisa Smith is a graduate of Columbia University and a resident of New York City. Her background is in journalism, but she is also an essayist, producer, entrepreneur and a documentary filmmaker. She is also an avid traveler and is currently traversing the globe while working on her first novel.
Floating
Fuck me
claim me
own me
want me
use me
hurt me
need me
love me
I can’t be your all
You’re needy.
I’m not here at all
I’m floating
I’m just your blowup doll
While you’re feeding
Fault
What if you don’t have a say
It’s just your day to day
Every man looks your way
Saying that you looked like you wanted it
You smiled
You frowned
You looked up
You looked down
You’re fucked if you do
Fucked if you don’t
Being a woman sucks
Maybe you’re old
Maybe you’re young
Maybe you seemed vulnerable
Maybe you’re too strong
Whatever the reasoning
It’s all fucking wrong
If I can’t move I’m not a part of it
If I can’t talk I didn’t ask for it
How am I?
I’m fine. That’s what I say.
How am I?
I get up every morning because I feel like that’s what people do
What I should do, to get better
So I wake up every morning and go through a rote, boring routine in a life that is not my own
Turn on the news, pour a cup of coffee, do some dishes, start work
Stare at my blank screen blankly.
But thankfully,
I have at least this because I am lucky, I have people who care.
But I don’t care anymore
How am I?
I spend most of my day crying
I’ve cried so much my throat is raw and my voice is hoarse, barely a whisper
But I do most of my tortured crying when no one is around
because I get it
It’s hard for anyone else to get me
How am I?
I’m supposed to be getting better
I need a plan
I write lists, make notes, create calendar appointments …that I can’t keep
I try to be around other people
I laugh, I go out with friends
But inside I’m hollow and my thoughts won’t leave me alone
How am I?
Every morning I’m inundated with news, from the Internet,
from the television.
The whole world is talking about it …assault.
Not mine, but others
And why didn’t they talk? Why didn’t they say anything?
Why don’t I?
I struggle with the fragile bit of strength I have and wonder if I should expend it to save my own life
or end his
How am I?
My dreams, hopes and plans are all changed
but everything’s still the same
I look at images of friends and strangers living the life I would be living right now
With the hope that maybe one day I’ll do it
after all.
How am I?
I’m a wreck, but I’m not supposed to be.
After all so many women have gone through this, right?
But it wasn’t just this.
This was the straw
The camel’s back was already bent and is now broken
How am I?
I tell myself I’m strong
I look into the eyes of people that love me and I see it
I see their fear, their worry, their confusion
I don’t want to see those looks anymore
But I can’t hide away by myself
because it’s not smart
How am I?
I’m fine right?
I mean I’ve been through this survival thing before
I’m quite the pro
I know it by rote
I open windows because I know sunshine’s good
I go outside and try to do something physically active
to release sertonin
I only eat real foods that will release toxins
Don’t drink too much,
Don’t sleep too much
Don’t rely on drugs
Don’t hide from the pain
So I feel it all
But I’m still listless, uncaring.
How am I?
I’m not okay. That I know for sure
I’m trying to get better
I’m trying to make sense of everything
I talk to my sister about it until I feel sorry for her
I know i need to leave because it’s too much to dump on another person
I don’t really let anyone know what it’s like
How am I?
I’m not okay with myself.
I can’t help but think something’s wrong with me
For having this happen so many times
Sexual, physical, emotional assault …repeatedly
in fact my entire life
Even those I considered the closest
Hurt me, abused me, used me
How am I?
How would you be?
I’ve lost almost so many people that I’ve loved
And my dog
I’ve lost almost everything and everyone …
So I try to find new people to love
How many people? how many times?
I can no longer disguise
my pain
How am I?
I’m still fighting
So that’s something
I can’t sleep at night
Nightmares, vivid dreams
I wake up crying
I feel like someone very large is looming over me
Like he did. I could feel his fat flesh pressed against my legs while he bent over me and touched me, grabbed me, pulled me, licked me,
Took me
How am I?
I thought I’d protect myself
Never let anyone have power over me
Be my own boss
Work by myself
Isolate
Don’t get married
No man will own me …or think he does
But yet …
How am I?
Everyone says, you’re so strong
You’ve been through worse
and managed to move on
Three months from now you’ll be traveling the world
Achieving all your goals
This will be a distant memory
I want that
I think I want that
I don’t care
How am I?
I’m lonely
I’m sad
I’m tortured
I’m angry
I’m tired
I’m listless
I’m hopeful
Humpty Dumpty
Water falling on my head
Rinse away the feelings of dread
Humiliation is at the core
Something no one prepares you for
That you once again were seemingly bought
Weren’t given a chance to have fought
Instead fight the rage and shame
Take away the loathing and pain
We know the mantra for survival
The world dishes the advice like Midol
Stand up tall
When you fall
Move forwards
Look towards
Your future
Be careful where you go
Only talk to those you know
Watch how you dress
Don’t be a drunken mess
Follow this and you’ll be safe
Won’t even need a can of mace
So they say
But the truth is recognize the snake
in your everyday
~